She was a girl born into a family of chaos. From the start, her existence was one of chance. Her mother became pregnant with her while on birth control, but a round of antibiotics made her existence possible. She was born the day before her brother’s 4th birthday, which sparked a jealousy that ran the course of her childhood.
Her earliest memory was one of abuse. Her father was an alcoholic. She remembers hiding in the closet, waiting for the screaming to stop. To this day, when life overwhelms her, the closet is her safe place. At times, her brother held her in the closet, hiding together to avoid their fathers wrath. She never could remember what he was yelling about.
Her parents separated when she was in first grade or so. She was a troubled child, always getting into trouble. The school brought in a therapist to talk to her, trying to find out what made her so aggressive. She hated everyone. She had once stolen pocket knives from her brother and chased a kid around the schoolyard. The world was broken and so was she.
As she grew older, her father’s abuse continued. She shut it out, built up walls. She dissociated. To this day many of the details were locked behind walls she hadn’t the courage to break down. All she knew is something was wrong and she didn’t know how to cope.
She was bullied incessantly from elementary school until high school graduation. She developed an eating disorder at age 16. She had suffered from overeating her whole life, but it developed into bulimia. She hated her body, and her peers only reinforced the belief that her body was disgusting. They mooed at her, teased her when she ate. They called her fat and told her she would die alone. One day, after fainting on the bathroom floor during her school’s Cinco De Mayo celebration, she decided she needed help. This was the first of countless times she sought help and received more pain than she could have expected (a story for another post). She hated her body. She began mutilating herself and harming sometime in high school. It started with eraser burns, banging her head against walls, punching herself in the face as punishment for whatever stupid thing she had done that day. She started to fade out of reality.
She had two major boyfriends in high school. One she lost her virginity to, and another she took the virginity of. Both harmed her in permanent ways. The first gave her herpes, something she’d in time come to accept but that devastated her fragile soul for many years. The second emotionally and physically abused her, taking what he believed he deserved from her without regard to the girls needs.
In college, her eating disorder worsened. Faced with the stress of college and access to unlimited food in the dining commons, she quickly fell ill again. She started mutilating herself worse. The cutting started and continued for a few years. She was nearly institutionalized on four occasions, but managed to get herself out of it. While perhaps she may have needed the intensive care, her greatest fear was, and still is to this day, being held against her will.
There are many details and stories in between, this is but a brief overview. Her life was a chaotic mess of mistakes and pain. She hurt others and let them hurt her. She fell prey to the family disease of alcoholism. She hit her bottom on August 18, 2019. This was also the day she was reborn. She got sober and celebrated her one year birthday, born anew and stronger than ever before. She was no longer The Girl, but The Woman. And she’s here to help other women grow into their best versions of themselves. If she could do it, anyone could.
Welcome to my journey.