2012—The darkness within at 19 year-old girl’s mind.

* Trigger warning

She was a girl born into the arms of a mother who never wanted her. She prolonged her mother’s suffering and was resented her whole life. She never knew what it was like to have parents who loved her or each other.

Her mother abandoned her whenever she could, ignored her whenever she needed her mother, and face the girl with deaf ears when she needed to speak.

She learned young that she needed to hide who she really was in order for the world to accept her. Her father sexually abused her and her mother blamed herself. Never once did she try to help the girl.

Alone, she began doing what she needed to survive. She forced back her emotions, hid her fears, and faced the world with the anger that only one so hated and wronged can muster.

That anger haunted her for her whole life. It was as if a beast were living inside of her. One second she was a sweet girl, the next she was trying to kill you. Many times, people would tell her that she had a problem, but no one ever helped. They would turn their backs on a girl who needed love and comfort.

She gradually grew to resent people, hate them even. Then she grew to hate herself. It started with simply banging her head on walls, progressed to scratching and digging at her arms with her nails, to punching herself on the cheekbone until it bruised.

The cycle continued and the girl started throwing up every time she ate. She would burn herself with erasers, rubbing until the skin was raw and gone. Then she started biting her hands, walking around with perpetual bruises around her thumb and palms. Eventually she progressed to cutting with razor blades, and then scalpels.

She grew to love the pain and didn’t know how to live without it. It’s what woke her up, kept her going, and most of all — she felt alive. As backwards as it was, hurting her body made her feel, more than anything, that she was alive. She knew that as long as she felt pain, she still had a chance.

She filled her empty soul with sex, sleeping with whoever she could to fill the pain of loneliness. She had felt love before and lost it. She lost hope of ever finding it again. She dreamt of a life away from her personal prison. A life where she could start over, change her name, and never have to talk of her past again.

She started planning and one day she executed her plan. She ran away, over the ocean to Australia. She changed her name and began a new life, filling each day with adventure and new people. She never thought of that dark place again. She didn’t leave a forwarding address or phone number either. She was a new woman. Most importantly, she was what she once thought impossible — Happy.

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